I tend to look at things in life through the scope of a comic book. Comic books do have similar instances of similarity to that of people. Well at least in my twisted perspective.
We love to laugh. Comic books do that. They are colorful, just as a person’s personality. There are those special edition comics that you take extra care with. Just as there are those people in your life you go over and beyond to help. Some people put comics inside a plastic bag for safe keeping. Some friends you want to put in a trash bag…and drop off the bridge. (Shrugs)
And the list goes on and on far as comparisons go. But I digress.
So anyway, I was watching “Enter the Dragon”. And its at the part where Bruce Lee has snuck into the underground base. So I don’t know the exact number of bad guys in there, but I’m gonna say its about 50 at best. Bruce hands out ass whoopings like Santa does gifts. So there is one bad guy in a blue jump suit who has nunchakus. Classic scene, dude rushes Bruce only to have his nunchakus taken away. Its likes Bruce said “hold my beer..I’ll show you how it’s done.” He shows off, and then lays the bad guy out with his own weapon.
This is my first point as to why I AM NOT, and never could be a ‘henchman’. I value my life too much to be as expendable as they are. No matter what TV show, movie or comic book, henchmen are always expendable. Not matter how close they are to the boss. I mean…(spoiler coming) I just watched Simon die on the walking dead. And I loved Simon, you know except when he killed the garbage people. Now Simon is strung up on the walker fence like Jesus on the cross. My feelings man. I’m gonna miss Simon-cause no one else in the zombie apocalypse had a properly groomed mustache like Simon.
I can’t be that guy who rushes into head long danger for the big boss. At some point logic for me is going to kick in. Like I just watched not ten or twenty, but forty nine of my friends/ co workers get beat up….Do I really stand a chance? I’m number 50, and he tore through all the others like nothing. At that point, I’mma just start fake coughing-and point in the direction of the exit of the secret lair.
“Aye aye man, listen- I’m only working this job part time man. I got kids and child support payments. This my night job dawg, I work in a library during the day. I can’t afford no injuries and I’m outta sick days. So just gone head through those doors dawg-I ain’t even seen you man. But if he ask how did you get passed Leroy Wang Jenkins-tell him you put me to sleep or something man. Aight? Cause I need this job.”
We are a sci-fi driven world, and we love the hero. He’s handsome, comes right in the nick of time-and saves the day. Saves the day, gets a key to the city-and everyone loves him. They love heroes so much-that they don’t give a shit about the property damage the city takes during his fight with the bad guy. I always see the downtown area destroyed-and I think “Fuck i would hate to be the city worker that had to clean up down after that fight in ‘The Avengers’ or ‘Superman: Man of Steel’ “.
I could never be a full fledged hero. They lose too much. Batman lost his parents. Spider man lost a couple people. Side note, am I the only who hated when they rebooted spider man? Cause that means we had to watch ‘uncle Ben’ die…aaaaaaaaaaaagain. Its like we’re living in ground hog day. Well except for Spider-man Homecoming.
Anyway, as a hero people put you on this peddle stool, and you can do no wrong. You’re out there kissing more babies, than a politician looking for votes. But with all the praise and glory, you mess up one time-and they crucify you. You save 10,000 people from a nuclear bomb-but they never forget the old lady with a terminal disease who had a few months to live…who you let get hit by a city bus.
And then there’s whole keeping your identity a secret. So if you’re in the street and hear some random dusty citizen trashing you’re name-you have to keep your head about you. Ok, so the secret identity hmmmm. I think that varies from hero to hero. So that doesn’t count. Because some hero’s don’t care about being known.
Ugh, lets not talk about how being a hero ruins your sex life. Ever notice that, right when the hero is about get laid-someone gets in trouble. Its been weeks since you had one on one time with the spouse, and you’re having a romantic dinner-and car chase flies by the window. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!! DAMN IT!
Being a sidekick? Naw I’ve got too much personality to be just the comedic side kick of some 90 year old vagina dry too serious super hero. And I wouldn’t be a good kid nap victim, because you do know that’s part of the sidekick responsibilities. Yep, check the resume-at some point and time you may be used as bait-repeatedly. Don’t believe me? (coughs) JASON TODD (coughs) Or the whole damn bat family. Only time I would enjoy being a side kick, is if the hero’s main villains is a bus of Victoria Secrets models. Plus we’ve all seen the movie “Blank Man”, no one want
Villains. They are inevitable. They are born like our favorite little accidents. And if you’re a hero-you either die young, or live long enough to watch yourself become one. No matter how good we think we are, how pure we are-we have a little villain in us. One black speck on that clean white sheet. And it grows a little bit more, and we don’t even notice it.
That little bit of anger we get when someone cuts us off in traffic. DRIP. When you do a group project for class and no one gives a shit about the grade but you. DRIP…DRIP..DRIP. A few more drips of darkness to that clean slate you brag about so much. You get the picture, until you’ve got a full blow symbiote of evil over taking you like Peter Parker.
They have no limits to what they will do for their own wants and needs. Annnnd usually they have a hot girlfriend or some hot woman obsessed with them. Hence Harley Quinn and the Joker. And for some odd reason, no matter how many times they get arrested-they get out of jail.
Vigilantes/Anti-hero. These are the guys who like villains live by their own code-but occasionally do some good and have hero traits. They operate outside the law, with the result usually positive-bloody and violent-but positive. Think guys like Batman, Deadpool and Frank Castle.
Personally speaking I may label myself as a villain-but my actions tend to be more of a vigilante/anti hero. I can be a real dick and say some hurtful blunt things, but then turn around give you a lollipop. The kind of guy who would shoot you in the arm, and be nice enough to drive you to the hospital, while justifying me shooting you. lol.
I can walk the thin line and can be comfortable with it. I can agree with the teachings of Prof. Xavier, and condone the actions of Magneto. I can be the hero that no one deserves like Batman, but its soooooo much more fun to be the damn Joker kids!! HAHAHA
So basically I want to be a hero, but if it means missing out on great sex from the hot girl I’m dating…….pfffffffffffffffft. Well I hope you have life insurance. Or learn to get into life threatening danger when its more convenient for me to come save you. Well thats if I save you all….I mean I dont wake up til noon on weekends. And well I do have day job, its not like saving people pays the bills. Unless I do some hero’s for hire like Luke Cage and Iron Fist. Ugh, but what if I’m watching my favorite shows…er..hmmm..
(reads the last paragraph)
Holy shit snacks…..I guess i see why my friends refer to me as Deadpool now. Hmmph. Go figure.